Philly Cheesesteak ... hold the plane, please.

Well, the last week started out really great. C-bus -- phenomenal. Rack 'em. Great shows out there. Thanks to everyone for coming out to see the shows. Its really a great feeling to sell out weeknight shows in advance...and then have audiences who come from work --and know they have to go to work the next day -- come out and be so great. I have never done shows on a Tuesday and Wednesday where the audience was so pumped and having such a great time. I wasn't sure if I was even going to do these shows as of a couple months ago...and I'm so glad that I did. The Columbus Funny Bone is one of the best rooms in the entire country... thanks everyone... I had a blast!

Now, Lets get to Cleveland.... It was going to be perfect. the NBA had looked at my schedule and decided to schedule the CAVs games around my Friday and Saturday shows..... The Saturday shows (my only shows) at Pickwick's Hilarities were awesome as well.. Columbus-like... Hilarities is more like a theater than most clubs. They have a balcony section...and its really beautiful -- almost as beautiful as the food they serve. (its truly and amazing place). Another one of my favorite clubs in the country.....

"They're in my 5"-- Charles Barkley.

If it seems odd that only the Saturday shows were great... Well, you're onto something. I was supposed to be there Friday as well... but what happened? You may want to look away from the computer right now... because what you're about to read is gross!!!!! ok... so maybe its not gross-out...its just plain ridiculous...

Friday was a surreal day for me. It started out great. Hanging out with my new friends from WMMR in Philadelphia... Preston and Steve... I was there almost the whole morning... Talking up the shows for the Borgata in Atlantic City in a couple of weeks... Rarely am I able to just sit in with a show and just become part of it... (For the people in Phoenix...it was a lot like hanging out with John and Brady... Not so much Eric... but... that's another story... I kid Eric because I love... I don't love him... I just love making fun of him... kidding again... that's double kidding... which is just stupid. sorry) Anyway, I left the show and got to the airport for my 1pm flight... Everything seemed to be on time... SEEMED was the key word...if you're keeping score at home....

I don't know if you saw the news...but there were HUGE air traffic delays on the east coast...Something went wrong with the radar... there was a computer glitch...or something...I don't know what it was...I didn't read the news, I was too busy being a part of it.....Anyway.... We boarded that plane a little before 1pm... and we didn't leave until ....well,...we didn't leave. That's what I'm getting to here... did it take a while? Welcome to the club. That's how it felt on the plane... We sat on a commuter jet on the runway for 9 hours. We got out of the fake plane at 10:30 pm. (we did get off the plane for about an hour sometime around 4pm... but were back on it a short time later == actual time on the fake plane was 8 hours...9 hours including the potty break). So...9 hours..and we never even went anywhere. It was just pathetic... I thought this kind of stuff wasn't supposed to happen after the JET BLUE incident... well, i thought wrong...

So here's the deal. I missed 2 shows in Cleveland... That's never happened to me before... Not anywhere...I'd never missed a show in 10 years...and now...the streak is broken. Call Guinness...not for a record but for a beer... its time to start over. Yippee kay Yay mother fruiter.

I'm sorry to everyone at HIlarities that came out on Friday night expecting to see me. I had every intention of getting there until the last minutes. In fact, they held the show back a half an hour hoping I'd get there in time to go on stage. THEY HAD A POLICE ESCORT READY TO GET ME FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE CLUB. I had my father in law bring my pants up to the club (I traveled in shorts that day... not as good of a story as it sounds at first.)

I'm going to try and explain how frustrating this whole thing was... I don't know if i can... It still makes me angry...and if you're a pilot on a commercial airline... do me a favor... TELL PEOPLE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON...KEEP THEM UPDATED... DON'T JUST SIT UP THERE AND SAY NOTHING...TELL US YOU STILL KNOW NOTHING...AND NOT JUST ONCE AN HOUR... IF YOU'RE GOING TO MOVE THE PLANE...TELL US WHY YOU'RE DOING IT...DON'T MAKE US THINK WE'RE TAKING OFF.... we had that happen 3 or 4 times... One time, a plane took off right in front of us (going a different direction)...and we got right behind it on the runway...and then started down the runway.... and never sped up... went down a long way... and turned off.... the pilot stopped the plane and said "we had to get out of someone's way"....LET US KNOW BEFORE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T GET OUR HOPES UP.....UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

At one point, we were supposedly 6th for departure....and we had 37 planes lined up behind us.... at least they were out there less time than us.

Well, its an hour flight from Philly to C-town. So once we hit 6pm ...I called my agent...and had them call the club... They told us we were going to take off soon... 20 minutes... and I thought I'd make it...but i might be a little late... But that 20 minutes came and went... I kept in touch with the club throughout the night...we kept thinking I'd make it... even if I just made it to the second show... but we never even took off... It was like waiting for a punch line in an open mic'ers act. the time came...and we were laughing...not because it was good...but because it was just so pathetic.

If you're thinking... hey frank, why didn't you get on a different flight... well, then you'd be asking the same question i yelled at my agent for asking. of course i looked at everything. I even had a backup flight into Columbus, oh. (2 hours away.... that did leave)...BUT I COULDN'T GET OFF THE FREAKING PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They kept telling us we were going to go... THEY LIED....THEY LIED...AND THEY LIED AGAIN. heck, I could have driven and still made it... if they cancelled the plane before 2 instead of 10!!!!!!!!

Well, I'm still fighting to get my money back from continental... You figure if the plane doesn't ever go...you don't need to pay them, right? not what I'm being told right now... 400 dollar (one way) flight...and I can't get my money back? IT DIDN'T GO... IT NEVER LEFT...THAT SEEMS LIKE IT'S A REASON TO GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK.... they're going to hear from me more...hey, maybe president bush can call them???????

Maybe they'll become a bit... AL PACINO: GIVE ME MY MONEY....BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.

As we were about to get off the plane... I asked a guy sitting next to me if he wanted to help me drive back. He'd recognized me earlier in the fake flight...and we talked for a while... Stan Green... the Bruce Bowen of Howard University's basketball team... A great guy. Going to interview with Ford this week in Michigan... Hey, If anyone for Ford is reading this... He's a WINNER... He put up with my Charles Barkley impression )(just started working on it...and its TRRBL.. .but kind of funny)... 6 hours of fake Bill Walton commenting on our terrible experience, and my vacuum cleaner like snoring that woke me up every 10 minutes or so.... To make a long story infinite.....We switched off driving...and made it safely into Cleveland before 7am the next morning. I returned the rental car...and went to get my car in the parking structure... I was so tired...I couldn't find my car in the parking lot, by the way....And I kept looking in the same places over and over..... I finally did...and got back home to the family...where my kids jumped on me... I took a 3 hour nap... Spent some time with my wife and kids and then got ready to do the shows on Saturday...

Ok...so here's the deal with the Friday audiences. They stayed and saw Don Reese...who filled in for me and KILLED... My gay friend Ryan Dolphston filled in as the middle act...and did great as well.... The audiences were treated to free shows that night...I know some people were angry...and some didn't believe we really tried everything to get me there, but we did...

Hilarities is a classy place...very classy. Nick, the owner, went up on stage and told the crowd I wasn't going to make it... Everyone thought he was joking... I guess they thought I was going to come out in madden makeup or something...and pretend it wasn't me... I wish that velveety idea was the reason....But He was being sincere...They had held the show long enough...and had to get it going... by the way...it was like shampoo instructions for them on the second show...WET, LATHER, RINSE... REPEAT.... We all were sure I was going to make the second show...but they just couldn't figure out how to fly planes that day.

Like I said, everyone got a great show that night...even though I wasn't there... it was free... and for the most part, I'm told that people were leaving disappointed....but happy with how it all came together.

IF YOU HAD A TICKET FOR THAT DAY...HERE'S WHAT YOU CAN DO:

1. GET A FULL REFUND ON IT FROM THE CLUB.
2. MOVE INTO THE SUNDAY SHOW WE HAVE SCHEDULED ON JULY 22.

We were already planning on doing that show...and it was starting to fill up... but this situation should fill it up pretty quickly... we may also add a second show, if there is a demand for it. (an earlier show...more like a matinee -- 5:30 pm or something).

I'm going to be doing some special stuff for the fans who come out that day...free autographed pictures...super duper cd deals, etc... we want people to be happy they came back...and have a great time.

The jeremy irony of this whole little blog? I'm on a plane in the air (on my way to shoot promos with the NFL on Fox guys--the reason i had to cancel my original Sunday night show a month or so ago)... on a wonderful Continental flight. (nice pilots who've talked to us a bunch of times...even though we're on time, etc.) and I'm going to get there early... Its all about when and where my friends... who? what? why? exactly. No. that didn't make sense...but neither did Friday.

Crack me. I'm out.

fc